There are times, sometimes, when I either don’t get enough of some vital nutrient, or possibly too much, where I start to question everything. Not just why I continue to go to my dead-end job every day, but question BIG things, like reality.
How much of this is simply contrived? I know, I KNOW, that a lot of what we consider to be reality is simply everybody milling around like sheep, following the footsteps we left the day before, going about our daily business the same as we always have. There’s a sameness to it all, with just little tiny steps forward, if you can call it forward. Teeny tiny little steps that lets all the little minds adjust slowly, like playing outside when you were a kid and not noticing that it was getting darker and darker around you. All of humanity just mills about while the world just gets dimmer and things get slower.
I SO want to break out of that.
It’s funny, too, because invariably when I think these things the miasma reaches up to try desperately to pull me back down. It’s like it doesn’t want me to think about it, like it’s too hard. I get this wave of tiredness like I should just stop thinking like this, but sometimes I can fight it. My mind fills with all these images of just throwing off all these mental shackles, to shrug off this group reality and do something DIFFERENT. I don’t mean little different, either, like go to Tim Horton’s for breakfast instead of Dunkin Donuts, I mean DIFFERENT like take over the planet. Honestly, sometimes I feel like I could just stand up and say “That’s it, now it’s my way”, and somehow, like using the Voice from Dune, people would just start doing things my way. I could rule this shitty little mudball so much BETTER than the people currently doing it. It’s not just that, either. I don’t want to be President or Emperor or something, I want to change reality. I want to… I don’t know. Reinvent everything. CHANGE everything, at the atomic level. I just want to spread my mind out and take everything in, and once I have it all in my head, reality would be MINE. All I have to do is KNOW everything, not just facts, but people, animals, objects, everything, about everything, and then I could just think differently about it, and it would change.
Maybe that’s what God is. Maybe that’s what he does. Maybe God is just some guy like me who finally managed to think everything. Maybe he’s thinking me right now, thinking about him. Maybe he’s lonely, and wants a friend. Maybe he wants to lay down everything, to clear his mind.
Or, maybe, he’s jealous of me. Maybe he’s scared I’ll take over. Maybe he’s the one that makes me so tired when I think this way. Maybe, if I think of him, more than he thinks of me, I can take his place.
Maybe then I can get to be God.